This post is unstructured and probably senseless.
I feel like I've been postponing this post for the longest time. Forgive me dear readers, but it's one thing to say I'm going to be back to blogging as soon as possible - and giving a deadline - and another thing to find the peace of mind to do it.
As I'm sure you all know by now, I lost my super daddy just over a week ago. His passing away was of a very untimely, unpredictable nature and needless to say I was very much shocked by it. I never really spoke of daddy here on my blog, but since he was my biggest fan, I'm sure he'll have fun reading this post up there in heaven.
Daddy Boffa and I had a very difficult relationship. As a workaholic, my dad was always at work and I, being the attention whore I was in my early teenage life, felt like he was never there for me. Little did I know, in my little superficial head at the time, that my poor daddy was exhausting himself to provide the best education for me as well as my sister. Unfortunately, the older I grew, the more I isolated myself and I tended to adopt the 'I don't need Daddy!' attitude.
I always feel at loss whenever I discuss my relationship with dad. It's funny. We always had this deep admiration for each other. He was a superhero, he always had an answer for everything. He was always there in the background, supporting my each and every choice. In silence, because that is how he was. He would never come to tell me face to face, we were both very socially awkward with each other. But I always knew he was proud of me. He didn't need to tell me. We were always very similar and it kinda worked against us. We loved each other from afar.
I feel like this post is not doing him any justice. I don't know how to write about a person so selfless as my dad. I wish I had the time to tell him I appreciated all that he sacrificed for me, even though I didn't always deserve it. I want him to know that I know I wouldn't be where I am right now without his telling me 'that Boffas do it best'.
Whenever someone asks me, 'how are you?', I don't know how to answer. I'm confused because I don't know how it feels like to live without him. I'm angry. I'm disappointed life took my dad away from me. I'm sorry I never really got to have a relationship with him because I was too stubborn to ever make an effort. I'm relieved because my dad really needed to rest, and I know there's no rest as peaceful as eternal sleep.
I have my bouts of negativity and fear. At night, especially, when it all becomes too real. When the dark mirrors the unknown that lies ahead of me, when my numbness becomes amplified. Then again, I'm becoming able to shift my energies by thinking about positive experiences and memories. I remind myself that my daddy wants me to be happy.
These mix of emotions and this very sense of confusion is leading to a great deal of newfound feelings. I'm questioning everything in my life. I feel the need to destroy and eliminate. Blame that on my anger. I have a desire to push boundaries. Big time. There's this instinct to shake all that I stand for from its foundations. If possible, I don't want anything anymore. I want to exhaust myself until all of this makes sense.
Until then, a lot of things will change and you'll be able to see it happen. All of this is happening after months feeling that I needed to reinvent myself and truly seek happiness in new creative ventures. It's time to think bigger and better. It's time to think like a true Boffa.
Thank you for everything dad. I finally have you with me all the time, looking over me from heaven. I love you.